How New Yorkers (have to) Do Ikea

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via Instagram @ikeausa

In most places, a trip to Ikea involves very little effort.

– Get in car

– Drive to Ikea

– Walk around

– Convince yourself that you are really good at putting furniture together

– Release nagging memories of the time(s) you were really bad at putting furniture together

– Contemplate getting a cinnamon roll (because they smell so good!)

– Wonder if they sell something that makes your house smell like cinnamon rolls

– Google “are cinnamon rolls Swedish?” on smartphone

– Complain that there’s never any service in here

– Disregard the fact that knowing this never stops you from trying to get service in here

– Buy stuff

– Drive home

So easy.

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This is NOT how New Yorkers Ikea.

Most New Yorkers, myself included, do not drive (or have cars, or know anyone who drives) Also, Ikea is not exactly close to the city.

It's here. In Red Hook, where you need this only magnifying glass thing to look at the Statue of Liberty because it is very far away.
It’s here. In Red Hook, where you need this old magnifying glass thingie to look at the Statue of Liberty/New York City because it is very far away.

So already we have two problems: getting there, and getting home with our loot.

This is why ordering online is your best bet. But you’re not going to order online, are you?

Of course not, and I didn’t either–New Yorkers are nothing if not a stubborn lot–which is why you should know, this is how New Yorkers do Ikea.

 

 

photo 6
Don’t ask if this will be a three hour tour. People will look at you funny.

– Go to Pier 11

– Get on the Ikea-specific water taxi! (Yes it’s a thing, and it’s free on weekends)

– Marvel as you sail past the Statue of Liberty

– Ignore all of the other passengers being too New York to marvel at the Statue of Liberty

– Take a selfie with Statue of Liberty

– Revel in the realization that this isn’t even the best part of your day: Ikea is in your future.

– Get off at Red Hook, Brooklyn

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I was a little excited.

– Walk to Ikea

– Smell cinnamon rolls

– Tell yourself you’ll get one later

– Walk around and say things like “I’ve always wanted bunk beds!”

– Become overwhelmed at how much work this will be, how little space you have in your tiny apartment, and question why you ever decided to come here / move to New York / put off getting a cinnamon roll

– Give up and walk to food court

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heart eyed emoji. heart eyed emoji. heart eyed emoji.

– Order meatballs

– Tell yourself you’ll get a cinnamon roll on the way out

– Eat until you’re really full and wonder how to say “I ate too many meatballs” in Swedish

– Leave store (sans furniture and cinnamon roll)

– Wait for water taxi

– Get on water taxi, then the subway, then walk several blocks to your apartment

– Sigh deeply because it feels so good to be home

– Realize you’re hungry again

– Vow to order everything on Ikea.com from now on and never, EVER, put off buying a cinnamon roll again

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