I Don’t Need Bread Crumbs

 

I spent New Years on the roof of my apartment. I had just worked a hellish 11 hour day and needed to be up high, alone, with a beer, my thoughts, and a great view.tumblr_inline_myzwf32c6e1s2tgxc

I watched fireworks and listened to police sirens and reflected on the year, trying to remember what happened in each month. In January I started dating my boyfriend. In February, I started MissVranHalen, etc. 2013 taught me a lot about what I’m capable of. I learned how to discipline myself and get work done. It also taught me about overbooking and over stressing (subsequently, it was the year I developed anxiety). I thought about the best and worst parts of the year, reflected on where I went wrong and what I would do to be better in the next year. Sitting there on the roof, on the last day of December 2013, I could feel that 2014 would be one of those powerful years of change. The thought was scary before it was exciting. I realized that I often operate from a  place of fear and deep insecurity and thought about how incredibly stifling that is. I decided that in order to make the changes that I know in my soul I need to make in the coming year, I need to develop an unwavering trust in myself. I have really big dreams. I am a very ambitious girl but inspiration is often met with insecurity and doubt. I spent a long time thinking about what a complete waste of time that is.  Deep down I know that I have everything it takes to become the person I want to be (live the life, have the job, all of it).

Sometimes I feel like I’ve already accomplished all of my dreams because I have this intense feeling that I’m actually going to have all of the things I want. Like it’s just about following the trail of breadcrumbs, trusting that I’m headed in the right direction, and in the end, it will all be there, waiting for me. Sometimes though, the wind blows the breadcrumbs around and the right path is less obvious. I think the only way to get to where I want to be is to trust that I already know the path. I don’t need breadcrumbs.

tumblr_inline_myzwd8OeUO1s2tgxcTrusting myself means knowing that I already am the person I want to be and all I need to do is work hard and learn – read, see, do, taste, feel- as much as I possibly can so the machine that is Nicole can continue to grow and become better. I need to focus less on whether or not I can do something, or worrying about if I know enough and trust that I can (and if I can’t, I’ll learn because that I can do). Someone once looked me in the eye and said “You got this” with such effortless conviction, believing in me in a way that I couldn’t then. This year, I will be that person.

What are your New Years Resolutions? And what did you do for New Years Eve? I’m nosey and want to know, so let me know in the comments 🙂 Happy 2014 everyone. And for the record, I believe in you. You have also been given everything you need. Now go be awesome.

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